i think this is the closest thing i have ever had to a journal. and i dont really like it! im a weirdo, and im not too stoked about looking at weird things i have written.
in less than a year i will be done with school. i dont really feel ready, i feel like there is so much more i want to know. i think i will be happy doing a lot of things after i graduate, im not picky about what kind of job i want. i want to be able to be creative, but even that responsibility scares me. how can i be creative everyday for the rest of my working days? i think about that a lot, every time i think of something new, a creative though, like what i should do for this project, or how should i approach this design… it takes so much out of me.
its really not that easy, sometimes i feel like i spend days trying to think of something that i would love to do for this assignment/ project. i think of an idea and then i think how could i execute that idea, how could i make it better, how would it work. i think this is why artists are always crazy and wacky, because they spend all their energy and time thinking of new ideas. they keep thinking how to be completely original, always trying to think of something that would be successful. i can do it, i have taste, i have style, and i have the right attitude to make it work. i just dont know if i have what it takes. its a tricky thing, ideas, it kind of consumes me.
all i really know is school/ classes and what i personally like to do for fun. so in a way i know myself pretty well. i know what things i like, i know what things i dont like. but beyond that and my classes, i really dont know much at all. i dont know whats the best for me, i know how to have fun on a daily basis, but i dont know what things i need to do in order to be happy in the long run.
i always have this picture of myself sitting in my own tiny/ but very decorated and stylish me apartment. my own apartment. and maybe i have a kitty. but its always just me in the apartment. i feel like i need to do that for myself. its funny though, you would think i had a picture of myself working at my dream job, having a blast somewhere, but really the only picture that pops up in my head is my own apartment (and its in the city). i think thats why i like Seattle so much, it fits my picture perfectly. i am an independent person, and i want to stay that way. being independent has done great things for me. i love that i love myself enough to have trust in the decisions im going to make. how come they never had a class about “what do u want to to after u are done with school” all i know is school, how am i possibly going to know what to do next.
sometimes i set boundaries for myself that i am not even aware of. maybe its my way of protecting me from poor decisions. i want to know who i am, what i want to be before i ever live with somebody else. how could you be that involved with somebody when you feel so naive about life. how can you do that when you are always constantly thinking about how there are so many things you want to learn, you want to learn on your own. i have always been like this though, i love learning on my own, learning for myself and nobody else.
i still feel like a little kid, i have no clue what the future holds. i dont know how the world really works. i dont know why people do the things they do. everybody always trys to pretend like they have everything figured out, like they dont worry about what happens next. but they all have to be as scared as i am. how could you not be when you have no idea what is going to happen. and its not just that, i have always been told what to do with my life, go to school….. get good grades……. go to more school. how come nobody tells you what to do next. how am i supposed to know when one decision could ruin the rest of your life, or be the best thing that has ever happened. how am i going to know what people to trust.
love is an easy one i guess, i know what it feels like to be in love, i know what love is. so i am not unclear about that. but there are so many things about love that i have no idea about. i guess the fun part is figuring out everything there is about love, but sometimes that feels like a lot of living. and people are so different. i cant even really look up to anybody and say, that is what i want my life to be like. that is what i want my love to feel like. movies and books are not real. my parents are not the best example, and i would never trust anything else because i dont know it well enough that i would consider trying to live my life this way or that way.
sometimes i just feel sad thinking about it. you know something bad happens eventually, i feel like it always does. you hear about people making wrong/ bad decisions all the time, they are just bound to happen. i guess thats not the point though.
the point is how am i supposed to feel comfortable making decisions about my life when i have no idea what the outcome will look like. i never have had to worry about this before. it kind of gives me anxiety every time i think about these things. love, school, jobs, apartments, family, passion, objects. i think there are a lot more people that just settle because they are to afraid of what else could be out there, just waiting for them. i mean it could be bad, and it usually is. this is why only a few people take risks, only a few trust themselves enough to try to make it on their own without having to be dependent on somebody else. only a few people live life learning on their own.
its so easy to start depending on somebody else when life gets more risky because then you feel like your not alone, you have back up, a support net. this is what school is for me, it makes me feel like i am not alone, that i am constantly surrounded by people that are doing exactly what i am doing, making the same decisions i am. what could feel more safe? what happens after that? who is supposed to make me feel safe? who sould i trust helping me make hard decisions. do i trust friends? family? boyfriend? or should i just trust myself. i just dont know, i guess i will just do whatever feels right in the end. it would be nice to know now. like,” you will be living in blank____ by yourself/ or with _____ and you will be doing ______ and you will hang out with ________” i wish i could fill in the blanks, i wish i knew what was best for me. how should i know? this world is just to complicated for me, i love that because i know i will never be bored, but i also hate it because there are too many decisions to be made and not enough time. how could i already feel like i have ran out of time on certain oppertunitys if i am 23. i feel behind on this rat race. i feel like after i graduate i am going to have some major catching up to do. thats just stupid, i think everybody else is just moving a little to fast for me. maybe this is not the pace for me. i need to slow down, breath and just enjoy.
new mixes for a project.
ok so iv figured it out, this is really the place that i feel comfortable telling you these things. its kind of funny/ weird, and im sorry about that. even tonight, i know how weird i am and i dont know why u like me , i mean, ur just the best, and what am i???? i hope im ok, i hope im good enough for you. i like u so much. i always do, im surprised i haven’t freaked u out, i dont know if i could. that what makes us awesome, we just get who each other are, we dont try to fight it but enjoy our company together. im sorry if i give u a hard time. im horrible, i know how difficult i can be. im so sorry. i really do love you, in every way possible. love love love.
on a another note- this isnt for you to read, just me to say. jessie and ashley have not called me for two days and have been partying for the two last night together. my best friends hate me. jenna got mad at me, or didnt like me because i went over to my house and hung out a smoke with my brother instead of spending the night with her. it was weird. i almost felt like i had to. which is so twisted because everytime jenna i hang out together/ spend the night, jenna just goes to bed. she just peaces it. i think all of my friends hate me. this is why i cant get high, remind me ok…!!! i think horrible thoughts and i realize what kind of gossip my friends are talking about me. or i wonder why u dont text me back. i just hate that i dont know what ur thinking all of the time. i wonder if your really mad because i havent talked to u today/ phone died/ didnt call u tonight. but cant u see that i really wanted tot talk to u? i dont know i think my friends seriously hate me though. i try to be a good friend, i really do. i dont even really try, im just honest. and i wonder what team their on. i wonder. i just dont know anymore. im pretty mad at jessie all of the time. im not just making that up. we used to get along great and now i cant stand her. well right now. shes still my best friend. its just that how can i be best friends with a girl that thinks im a lame friend/ doesnt like me as much because i have a boyfriend. its true though. i tell u everything/ i dont even care about telling her. i love telling u stuff and not her. man. things are different. i love u. i love u the most. thats pretty cool, that i love you so much that i can just tell u how much i love you and everything it fine. i would trip out if we smoked together. i cant even handle it now. love ya babe!!!
since we are officially going out now, or are we, well whatever, should we be in a relationship on facebook so we call tell all of our friends how cool we are. but then if we break up people will know. i just dont know.
i actually want to write in this all the time, but i dont want u to see it. plus you dont blog anymore so i dont think you should be able to read mine. today was great and then sucked. thats about it. i get so mad sometimes, i dont even know where it comes from/ that i was capable of this kind of anger. i hate it, and all i want is for it to go away. sometimes i get tired and i wish there was somebody there to pick up where i left off. i wish i had somebody that could say, ok hailey, your tired of everything, let me help u out with these things. like a little robot. probably going to be mad all weekend because i doubt that i will find this somebody soon. i know i start to get addicted to certain ideas i have about how i want to live my life. i think of something that would make me happy, and try my hardest to make it work. i wonder if i will ever figure it all out. i wonder, what in the end, are going to be my happiest things. hmmm, i kind of think of it like a dream, and in that dream the things that made me extremely happy in my life will be in bold next to black and white dream pictures. i have always been really bad at failing the happiness life. i guess i just need to realize that there are certain things in this world that are going to make u happy, that you cant control, they can also make u upset, mad and frustrated….. but most of all happy. i just have a hard time with that concept. a perfect happy world that can always go wrong. it is out of my control. i need to talk to an old person about this. how did they deal with all their unnecessary anger and frustration?
i dont know what happened, but it seems within the last 12 months i have seemed to make a lot of my friends mad/dislike me. and this makes me very uncomfortable. i would say, well it cant be me, it must be them. but that doesnt really work when most of your close friends start to hate you during a short span of time.
lets think of the friends involved, in order of them hating on me (example: number 1 will be the first one of my friends to show any kind of “hailey you suck” attitude.) and if for some reason you read this, i am not counting you, because, well i just dont think it applies yet, you never know though, when you might wake up one morning and think “wow hailey really sucked last week, im not sure about her.” hope it never happens
1. jessie- about 3 summers ago, we got in a huge fight, which she started because she wanted to tell me to move on, that i was being a lamo. i cried a lot and called you from skype. i will never forget that, and i dont think i ever forgave her for doing that to me, nor did she try to say she was sorry.
2. sarah- was really angry at me because i wasnt hanging out like i used to. this started right after winter break (sarah and i had a great winter break together, hung out a lot, went on a lot of fun adventures and ate a lot of lunches) this “hailey sucks” attitude lasted, well its still going on.
3. amber- she was mad at me for the same reason sarah was. it was just that simple. i dont think amber and i will ever be friends again.
does katie page count- no. i have decided she does not count
what about eric- nope doesnt count either- hes a guy, whatever.
4. jenna- i think she hates me right now. not sure though because seriously, if jenna ever has a problem with you, you would never know it. i do know that i think she was mad at me a lot on our trip. i could be paranoid on this friendship case, but im pretty sure shes part of this club.
ok i could be missing somebody here. hmmmm what other friends thinks i suck?
so now that we narrowed down the people and the situation. lets think of some possible ways i have been a horrible friend, making me unlikable
( im going to start in order)
1. I was busy with school work and made that my first priority.
2. I was lonely.
3. I stopped wanting to go out in big groups of girls.
4. i stopped wanting to hang out with big groups of girls.
5. I hung out with jenna a lot, and spent the night at her place a lot.
6. I talked to casey on aim a lot, and would have rather done that then go out.
7. I had class almost everyday, and seriously did homework after class for hours.
8. I felt like the sarah, amber and katie page talked a lot of shit about me behind my back. I was not part of this gossip.
9. I stopped calling amber and sarah
10. they stopped calling me.
11. I was pretty angry towards them for not understanding me.
12. I felt like everybody hated me, except the new people i met.
13. I felt betrayed.
14. I felt judged.
15. I got really angry with jessie over sensitive issues, pretty much how she tells me i suck to my face, when she is wrong, dead wrong and just plain mean. shes my best friend and make me feel like crap a lot.
16. I have not been calling her, or asking her to hang out.
17. I think this made her angry.
18. I think im starting to figure out a pattern.
19. jenna, I havent really been wanting to hang out with her either, because honestly she was kind of depressing on the chile trip. and i dont know, not that fun.
maybe i am starting to become a horrible friend.
* idea 1= my friends judge the shit out of me, I can sense it, they talk behind my back about it, others say it to my face.
what do the judge?= me having any kind of boy relationship. i swear they just want me to be single and not to love anybody. how i spend my free time. where i work. who i hang out with.
—-ok so then i get really mad, like really mad, inside, I dont really act out. and then i stop calling them, because every-time i hang out with them, i can feel the anger, i can see them judge me. I can feel them wanting to be sitting next to a girl they used to know 6 years ago, awkward, loveless, insecure, and easily persuaded, liked to do whatever.
—- i stopped hanging out with Amber, Sarah, Jessie/Alicia and maybe Jenna because I am kind of mad at all of them.
Right now…. as i am writing this, I know they talk shit about me. I know they are talking about how they cant believe i am hanging out with casey, since with have broken up more than once and they think i should move on. this makes me angry. fuck that. why cant they just be supportive of the things that I love and make me happy.
like….. being by myself sometimes, not having to be at some bar/party, getting drunk and acting dumb, its fun, but dumb and i usually pay heavily for it the next morning.
it think they hate me for not being a slut.
I think they hate me because I am taking care of myself and dont always want their input on every aspect of my life.
i think i am becoming different from them. i hate it. I really wish I could be that girl that gets drunk most nights, works a little, and is single and loving it. loves to gossip about everyone, everyday. I am not that girl anymore. and there are various reasons for this, do i need to explain them to them? Im i wrong in that i like hanging out by myself instead of getting wasted. am i wrong that I like having a best friend that I love everyday, instead of talking to dushbag guys that could care less about me. am I wrong for taking time out for me, not them. am I wrong that i enjoy going to school when i am alert and attentive, not hungover.
seriously, wtf- how come nobody else is catching on to this. every single one of my friends know that they can call me up at anytime to chat, or talk to me about their day. they know that i party enough.
i swear i cant win, i am friend cursed. my friends want me to be a slut, that entertains them on a daily basis while talking shit about everybody else, and their moms. my friends want me to agree with everything they say about everything. i cant do it anymore guys.
I want to be confident.
I want to be more sober.
I want to spend more time on designing and not partying.
I am ok with not know what is best for me. I am not ok with other people telling me all the time.
I want to make my own decisions.
I want to love one guy.
I want to be fit and alert.
I want to be happy.
I want to laugh a lot.
I want other people to feel comfortable around me.
I want to feel comfortable.
I just want to love and be loved.
For me, not who people want me to be.
I kind of want to say to everybody- hey this is me, i am not going to change anytime soon. I know i have my fair share of problems and insecurities, but hey so do u. I want to yell to all of them, stop judging me because i am happy and i like who i am. I want to tell everyone of them, If i love somebody enough to trust them completely then you should trust me that i can trust them. If i am in love, whatever the circumstance, please be supportive of me because i am going to do what i want, so it would be a waste of time if you were not. I have lots of best friends (well used to) so deal with it. I need time to myself, I thrive off my hailey time, it allows me to think, and clear my head. i am ok not knowing what is in store for me in the future, I dont want to analyze my life, I like the surprises. and then I would say, there is a reason we are best friends, because I think you one of my favorite people i have ever met in my life and are very special to me. no matter what you do, i am always here for you.
seriously… you’ve got me high. and i dont even know it. case… im yours all yours. jeez i love you so much i dont know what to do. i have always loved you. you have a spell over me. i could spend forever with you. i have been thinking about it, and it makes me happy. you make me happy. you make me feel high all the time, i want you to do that. case you have me so high, i dont even know it. i love you so much, seriously, its kind of crazy. i have loved everything about you for 4 years. omg, what are we going to do. it doesnt matter because i love you and you’ve got me high
i cant stop it, its just too hard and painful. seriously….. if i dont feed it sweets i hurt all over. it takes over my mind and body, without sweets i would probably die. some peoples worst fears are being jobless, getting hit by a car, watching a scary movie thats just too darn scary, eating tuna, ending up homeless…. ect. mine is becoming diabetic. that would seriously be the worst thing ever. i fear that possibility.
so far the great movies of my summer
= harry potter 6
= sunshine cleaning
= watching the soloist right now but i like it because (the girlfriend from the 40 yr old virgin is in it)
there are more, anything with nicolas. iv got the film bug right now, thats all i want to do is watch movies. my website is almost done and it is baller.
now every night on thursday at 10. yes this will make my fall grand! i hope its going to be a good cast. any who lets blog again!
